I woke up with my journals on my pillow this morning. I had read through them last night trying to gather the threads of my thoughts and feelings and hoping to find some answer to the challenges my relationship with D is undergoing.

The giraffe journal is from...almost 2 years ago when I first met him and is ablaze with my delight, admiration and love.

The second journal, the snuggling tiger journal, is mostly empty. I started writing in it last night, didn't really get anywhere and stopped. It seemed such a stark contrast from then to now.

Living together seems to make it difficult to see each other.

That first sight of pure delight and admiration gives way to something more mundane, more human and much less adorable.

It's easier to see each others faults than to sustain that vision of firstlove, of truly seeing and believing in another persons goodness. It's easy to let resentments gain the upper hand, to let pride come before love, to get angry, to give up.

All these sad thoughts came rushing into my head as I wiped my sleepy eyes and picked up the journal.

As I started to write again I heard the soft footfalls of my tiny boy enter the room. Sam always comes in quietly, so quietly he is usually all the way to the side of the bed before I feel his presence.

Today especially, his sweet smile and gleeful "MAMA!" flooded me with joy and he hopped up into my arms for a big wolfcuddle.

He saw the journals and insisted that I go through them with him and read all the good parts-my poems and his songs and dreams. It was so fun and so very cool. He thought it very funny that in the middle of a page of journaling from over a year ago it said, in very large letters: I MISS DANIEL! Sam repeated it, laughing again and again and I had to laugh too, missing Daniel.

It's good to be the mama of such a dear boy.