The Palace of Loverzan Don't mess with the palace guardian.
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Enjoy your visit.
June 02, 2004
cold, cold feet

Sorry I haven't been posting much.

It's been kinda suckville lately. D and I have the serious premarital jitters.

Jitters? Grrrahck! It's more like a fucking hurricane, and it's sweeping us away on a tide of pure fear.

What is it about relationship that brings up so much anger, hostility, resentment, rebellion, pride, guilt, insecurity, jealousy, nastiness and fear, fear, FEAR?!

After Chenrezi(meditation practice) yesterday, we sat out on the porch with our good friend Nate. He gave us a lot of love and made us laugh a bit, joking about the phrase: 'On top of your shit'-such a bizarre image-see how organised I am? I've got all my shit stacked up in nice neat little mound. I see a Gollum-like creature here, squatting on the rim of a mountain of turdbricks, gathering them up in his flappy hands and placing them lovingly on top of the pile... Chattering to himself all the while about keeping the nasty hobbitses away from his precious turdses.

I think it's more that you have to stay on top of the stinking, steaming heap and sort it out, else it will bury you and you will die, scrambling, groping, and finally suffocating in your own excrement as it piles up over you.

I guess it helped(the practice and the company if not the fecal imagery) 'cause D and I actually talked last night and made love, instead of wailing and roaring and jabbing at one another with pointy sticks.

We've got an appointment to meet a therapist for the first time tonight.

Wish us luck, 'k?

Straight from the Queen's mouth. Sayeth rzan at 12:55 PM
Comments:

Last week I had a dream. In it Daniel and Roseanne and Sammy came to visit. Daniel came into the house and contentedly sat down and began to play an old video game, oblivious to Roseanne and Sam. In the dream it did not seem odd that Roseanne and Sam were standing just outside the closed door. I went over, opened the door and asked Roseanne something, she answered, and I closed the door again. After a few minutes I came to realize that Roseanne had not been invited in. I went over and opened the door and told Roseanne that she and Sam were welcome in my home no matter what. They were in the process of coming in and she and I were visiting when I woke up. So, to Roseanne and Sammy: I love you both and you are welcome in my home no matter what.

Sayeth Karen
     on June 7, 2004 01:16 PM

That brought tears to my eyes.

Thanks, Karen.

As far as I'm concerned you're all still family and I love you too.

Sayeth rzan
     on June 7, 2004 02:31 PM

Don't be scared, after you're married you'll wonder what the big deal was. A therapist is a great idea. My wife and I have gone to one off and on the last five years (been married that long), but especially the first year. Remember you probably went to school for most everything you know how to do now, so just think of a counselor like school. At the very worst, it's someone beholden to no one who can help you effectively settle disagreements (stop saying arguments, honey...)

Sayeth eli
     on June 10, 2004 07:07 PM

hee. Disputes works too, but is perhaps a bit too...Judicial?

Thanks much, it's good to hear something positive.

Sayeth rzan
     on June 11, 2004 10:23 AM
Mountain dweller