It's over.

Daniel is leaving me.

He's moving out this week.

I can't believe it.

I'm in shock. This last week has been a nightmare of panic attack and brokeness.

I knew we had problems, but I really thought we'd work them out. I really thought we were together forever.

He isn't ready to be a husband or stepfather, cannot handle the responsibility and commitments of this relationship.

He doesn't want to start over, to back off, chill out and try again. Not even just simply as boyfriend and girlfriend without all those commitments, all that pressure.

My life and dreams are in wreckage. Everywhere I go and everything I do reminds me of us and I can't stop crying, can't stop my chest from caving in.

I love him so much. He is in my heart. I want to be with him so so so fiercely. I don't understand how he can leave this love.

I would have married him, adored him and taken care of him for the rest of our lives together. I would have had the patience to let him grow into it in his own way, to forgive his mistakes, and be there for him always.

It would not have become the boring, traditional, horrendous image of a family life that he feared. Stability does not mean stultifying! It would have been a wonderous adventure, a rare love and a tremendous opportunity for growth and change. We could have walked that path together, figured it out as we went along.

Now there's nothing but ashes and squirming, severed roots.

Now I'm going to have to pick up the pieces of myself(who the hell am I, anyway?)

I can't even bring myself to go home(fuck, it's not even home anymore without him!). I'm staying at my moms, wearing her waytoobig clothes, because I can't face the pain of what awaits me there, tearing our stuff and our lives apart.

I can't face even the smallest details, let alone the huge ones, like not being able to pay the rent without him and RCC. Sam and I will probably have to move, leave that beautiful place behind with a garden full of unripe tomatoes.

So many memories in my head, in my body, of him, of us together, of our beautiful love and all the sweet things we shared.

I WANT IT BACK! I want him back.

But of course I can't have it. He's gone. We're over.

It tastes like dirt, bitter, bitter dirt in my mouth to say these things.

It's so fucking hard. People are still innocently asking: "So, when's the wedding?" all the time and I have to tell them, and watch their smile fall into that frightful look of social horror that people get when they've accidentally stuck their nose right into someone elses most painful shit.

In the last month and a half I've gone from being a fiance planning a wedding, to being a girlfriend trying to work things out, to being an exgirlfriend.

What an ugly word.

Bear with me, this is probably my last post for a while.

I love you Daniel.

Goodbye.