The Palace of Loverzan Don't mess with the palace guardian.
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Enjoy your visit.
July 21, 2004
I'm back.

Not that y'all knew I was gone or anything.

It was a busy weekend/weekbeginning.

Saturday, I wrestled demons.

Yeah, I know theoretically you're supposed to stop struggling, face them, even invite them in, have a palaver, get ta know 'em and figure out what the hell is lurking under all that nightmare of pain and fear-but man, I'm no Milarepa, and so far it's all I can do to perservere, to fight, not to drown in the torrents of fear and loneliness.

OK, s'nuff of the emotional havoc.

Saturday evening, Sam, Ben, Rowan and I went to Sharons 30th birthday party. Girl had never thrown herself a party before and man did she ever do it right!

We took the disco ball up and set it in her amazing vaulted-ceilinged upstairs(her plac is spectacular(all big glass windows and pretty tree-lined views).

There was yummy food, organic beer, and really cool people(if you like accupunctural conversation, anyway). Sam and Rowan had a blast, blowing up balloons and running around chasing discoballblots...

Then, sunday, waythefucktooearly, Sam and I took a train to Vancouver to visit my dad.

Sam still loves trains. He is such good train company too. We brought books, madlibs and drawing supplies and snacked and read and colored airplanes in his new coloring book. We snuggled and gazed out the window.

Dad took us to the aquarium and Sam and I were amazed at how high Spinnaker, the dolphin, could jump-quite incredible-those guys are like torpedoes, all muscle and speed. Beautiful too.

It was scorchingly hot, yo. Even drinking lots of water, I felt dehydrated and illish.

Went to the old folks home and saw my granma Lilian. She, at least, is living completely in the moment, alzheimers has seemingly brought her peace. She barely recognises people, but it doesn't seem to fret her much.

Sam had a difficult night, waking up nauseous a buncha times. I took him to the bathroom and held him by the toilet, no puking though, he just said: "Oh, my poor tummy, my poor poor tummy" a few times. I brought him a bowl, held him most of the night, did some Reiki for his tummy.

Monday we met my sister Dana's brand new baby, Amanda. What a pudgy cutiepie-clearly no lack of nums(breastfeeding) going on there! Sam marvelled at how small her fingers were.

Then we went to Granville Is-one of Vancouvers prettiest places(and that's saying a lot, 'cause it's a very pretty city). Strolled about, listening to music, There were tons of rather good musicians in town for the folk festival.

Ate lunch at the open air market, while the kids fed(giggling), then chased(also shrieking with giggles), pigeons. Wandered along the cobblestone path by the harbor, watched seals watching us.

On the way back to Dana's we went through the waterpark and lingered there whilst Sam and his cousin Julie zoomed about together getting soaked and loving it. It's a really cool park-all kinds of fountains and sprinklers and fire hydrants(with hoses for kids to soak each other) and water cannons and...

You get the sloppy wet picture, right?

It was a perfectly lovely weekend. I wish I could have been more cheerful, my family sure was trying to be sweet and comforting, but I'm not terribly good at dissembling. I can keep it together(most of the time), so I'm not all falling to pieces in front of Sam and everyone, but being/acting happy when I'm so NOT, that is definately not one of my gifts.

So I was pretty gloomy, I'm afraid. It was just such a huge contrast for me between this time and last time... When I went up there feeling happy and proud, with my fiance at my side, our strong love in my heart and all my dreams still possible...

It's a hard thing, letting go.

Straight from the Queen's mouth. Sayeth rzan at 12:20 PM
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