I'm still here.

The 'wedding' weekend came and went and I didn't throw myself off any high buildings. In fact, on the big day, I was hangin' witth the kidlets. We walked up to Lake City to go to my chiropractor. Sam and Rowan showed me a whole new side of Lake City Way-I had no idea there were so many tarpits and spinning spikeballs(the poison kind) to be avoided, gosh, all this time I was narrowly escaping death and didn't even know it.

Even the omnipresent car dealerships provided much entertainment with all the huge balloon shadows becoming 'moving shade' in the hotass sunshine, and much discussion as to which color of moving shade was the best kind to step on, red, of course.

Kids rock. It felt good to have one on each hand walking up the street.

PJ Harvey is wailing in the background: "I learned to begggg, I learned to praaaaay, send me his loooooove!(she howls)lemme ride, lemme ride, just let me ride on his grace for a while..." Slow sultry angst-ridden music playing long and slow.

Love her! Nobody does painfully unhealthy, desperate wild, strongass crazy love, rejection and abandonment better. I put all three of her cds on tonight. It seemed like that kind of night. I just got back from yoga, where I felt decrepit, every crampy muscle in my whole misaligned body aches. I guess they ached before, but now I can feel them-every single one individually whining at me.

"Tuck you under deep salt water... " Gawd can she wail!

So, where was I? Oh yeah, we got back from the chiro app and my mom and Peggy took the kids blueberry picking.

Sharon came and got me and we set out for the lake. It was ritual time. Letting go time.

I brought all the pretty clay hearts I made for the wedding guests. all 60 of them, with their endless knots on the front and our names carved on the back.

It was focking crowded at Matthews Beach and I almost gave up for lack of privacy, but we spied this overgrown path and followed it down to sanctuary.

It lead to the lake, past a zen garden. The shore was completely private, we were surrounded and completely hidden by, a lovely bamboo grove and leafy foliage.

I set up an altar, prayed to Green Tara and took up the basket of hearts. I waded out into the lake, sticky mud sucking at my feet with each step I took. I set them free, one by one, releasing attachments and delusions and so much love and tears. Letting them go, letting them melt back into the mud.

It was good, but the poor ducks were sorely confused. Where the heck was the bread, and what the heck were all those little hard things that sunk like stones?

The last one, basket and all, slipped right out of my fingers, I caught the basket, but the heart was gone. Sharon and I laughed. I jumped in clothes and all.

We sat and talked on the muddy bank for a long time. She is a good woman and a blessing in my life.

Then I drove, all around to yard sales, crappyass yard sales... But hey, I drove to them!

The kids had harvested a shit ton of blueberries. We ate a bunch and I froze a huge bag.

I cried my eyes out that night. Feeling this...Nothing, this big gaping ABSENCE in the familiar place of my lover, my husbandinmyheartifnowhereelse.

"Lover had to leave me, cross the desert land... Turned to me his lady, tell me lover when... calling Jesus pleeeeeeese, send his love to me.... Begging Jesus pleeeehheese, send his love to meeehheeehhee..... How long must I suffer? Dear god I've served my time, this love becomes my torture, this love my only crime." You tell 'em PJ!

Sunday morning was cool, I made blueberry muffins and the kids frolicked in the pool.

Then Sam left.

And my calm assurance slipped out the door with him. I fell over the edge of the abyss.

Hey, I got a lot done while I was there(Seattle being a fairly good abyss to fall into) I interviewed a lady who was selling her massage business. I went downtown and got my massage and art business licenses, I applied for a position at New Seattle Massage, I went to a dharma talk on Capitol Hill. But...

Hell.

Everything I do I want to share with him. Every time I see something funny, or sexy, or beautiful, I want to go home and tell him about it. Everytime I make a yummy meal I want to bring it to him, when I make art I want to show him.

What the hell do you do when someone is so dear to you, so much a part of your mental and emotional world, so deep in your skin and flesh and heart and soul and you can't, can't , can't even call him on the phone?

How do you let go? Every time I think I've gotten somewhere, I'm feeling better, accepting it, I find a new layer of attachment, of longing, of non acceptance under it waiting to knock the breath out of me.

It IS getting better yo. I'm not wallowing in it, really, I'm not. I know that this is the big wake up, the rug pulled out, the opportunity for me to emerge through it to somewhere much healthier, to find a new me who is stronger and healthier. Someone self-reliant, self-confident and self-possessed. Someone who knows her own self-worth, doesn't need to desperately seek it out in the Love! of others.

Yeah, I know this is good for me. As the father in Calvin and Hobbes says, it's building charactor. For real.

Sheer bliss... That's what the dharma song says. Be grateful for these times that shatter you and cause you to break out of your delusions, be grateful for pain and fear and do not run. Sit and practice and be present to what is there.

Yeah, uh huh. Alright. I will, I am, OK?

But Goddamn it, I'd rather be on my honeymoon, on the Oregon coast, with my sweet beast of a husband loving me so fierce and strong under the stars in the back of our Dakini car.

GAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!

I'm working on it.

I'm persevering.

I'm growing.

It's good.

It hurts.

I guess that means it's healthy, healthy things always feel like shit at first.

It must be pretty damn healthy.