There are many ways to get to Loverzan. It's not that hard. In fact it's kind of surprising that so few actually find the realm. I knew someone once who SNEEZED themselves in! Granted it wasn't one of those puny, cute, ladylike sneezes-no, it was the kind that makes you wipe your snot-laden face on your shirt, blink 'til your eyeballs plop! back into their sockets and then search for bits of your brain on the far walls. But anyhoo, there's plenty of ways to get there. I mean, shoot, you could just email the Queen for instance.

I suppose it's not THAT strange however, considering the dreadsome guardians and fearful obstacles...

So:

Oftimes you'll find yourself wandering towards Loverzan, without even knowing you wanted to. You'll wake as if from a dream-stumbling through the deep, pungent forest of forgotten, half-rotten obfuscations, grasping at roots of towering self-righteous assertions, plucking from your hair the sticky webs and strands, gooey intrigues and tangled snailtrails of self-deception-to find yourself blinking in the warm sunshine, redripe tomatoes clustering, glorious, on lush dark green vines, flowers everywhere and the Queen, knees plunked down in the soft earth, dirty jeans, grimey nails, welcoming grin, hori-hori and all.

Sometimes it takes months to get there, years even. Bold going at first, slaying dragons(though that is highly over-rated as a way to a ladies heart and indeed her majesty would be wroth with you if she knew-being awfully fond of dragons herself)and scaling egregious mountains, crossing nasty, stinking quagmires, seeking the omniscience of wise, garrulous old hermits(unfortunately the wisdom garnered thus is mostly like unto a long overdue dental examination-seldom what one wants to hear and usually points directly to what one most wishes to avoid knowing).

Eventually, the path becomes so laborious, so heavily strewn with sharp rocks of denial, alluring sidetrails and persnickety, demanding old witches, not to mention that little voice in your head growing louder and LOUDER, until you just know that it's your whole life at stake and wouldn't it be best if you called it quits?

So you do.

That's all right, some people never even know the place exists. Hey, there's all kinds of lives to live and all kinds of people and places to fill them with. Loverzan's not for everyone.

It's a wild, challenging place. Not for the mistrusting, nor the faint of heart, for it has many miens... not all gladsome misty, mountain-cradled sanctuaries, verdant meadows, radiant glades, hidden hotspring hollows where satyrs play upon their lusty lyres, fondly fondling nubile nymphs in the heart of summer.

Even if you want to go so very deeply, with all the passion of your whole soul and bodymindheart, you may not make it past the sparkling emerald gates, into the palace.

You have to leave something behind, not just your credit cards and your empty excuses. Something that you really really really think is just so valuable, so grand, so HUGE! Something you think you could never live without.

If you don't, you'll find yourself boobyslapped back to Whenceyoucame faster than you can say 'assmitten'.

Them goddess guardians don't mess around.