October 31, 2002
You are the Midwife,
You are the Elf.
Now I'm coming in...
I'm shedding, my skin.
In the falling apart,
I rise, I writhe.
I'm not uncoiled yet,
October 29, 2002
Hot tea slides down my throat.
Stretching full length on my new sofa, I settle in.
Decompressing from a too-full day,
My day plays back, bits and pieces, a medly of touch and absence.
My bed sweetly lures me from the end of the hall, promising to wrap me in warm down, softly curling around toes, shoulders and buttocks.
I try to set my mind firmly on resume writing and vendor applications. Best to tackle that now with my son unexpectedly gone for the night.
Yeah, I need to check my email too, maybe a roomate will electronically
None of this seems terribly important though. The music has stopped and
I'm drifting, strangely wide awake, strangely content.
I think I'll go to bed.
Maybe I'll actually sleep tonight
Maybe I'll actually sleep ALL night.
Maybe I'll sleep in tomorrow.
It's all up to me and alone is a luxury I'm in the (rare) mood to enjoy.
It's all me.
October 27, 2002
"I love pumpkin pie!!"
Says Sam in the midst of our Halloween party trashed house. "You know this white stuff(crust) under the pie is kinda hard to cut, yo" Daniel and I are grooving(I can say that, right?-I'm over thirty)to the Beatles as we clean up the wreckage. We're having more fun than anyone should cleaning up a house. Sliding across the wood floor in our socks, dancing with the broom, jumping up and down and being totally goony. We've made a good recovery since this morning when Sammy came in, crawled into bed and kept us from getting those last few much needed hours of sleep. You know that bleary-eyed state where all you want to do is sink back down into warm snuggly indolence and any disruption(such as a wiggly, playful five year old who likes to announce the time everytime the clock changes)seems completely intolerable?
CRASH! Sam's plate hits the floor, pie and all. I see his face morphing into that indecisive state kids get that either means howling woe or hilarious giggles are immanant, but alas, my mind is blank(due largely to much lack of sleep, and overindulgence the last two nights in a row). "Wow, that crust really WAS hard to cut!" Daniel says and tips the balance in favor of the giggles. We all laugh and he carries Sammy off the couch as I clean up the new mess. My hero.
The party was great fun, too. Excellent creative costumes. Our friends Josh and Jess came over and cooked awesome springrolls, mysteriously disappeared to my bedroom for an hour or so, then emerged magically transformed into sexy satyr and gorgeous nymph-amazing handmade(on the spot)costumes. They definately won 'most creative' hands down. Daniel made a very(perhaps a bit too) convincing old curmudgeon(cranky old man). Rowankitty and Sambird chased each other around all night, leaving trails of Sams black and white feathers everywhere. Goddesses were everywhere. I will post the pics as soon as we get them.
It was lovely. It's definately time for a break, yo-I'm totally partied out.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE!
October 24, 2002
These are a bit melodramatic, but they were the first ones from that period, so in a rather uncharacteristic desire to be chronological, here goes:
My life is curtained black.
I thought to make a puppet show,
I know not how to take it back.
Oh, how do I erase my frown,
PINS, Oct 30th, 2001
I pin my hopes on you
I walk across the gravel
Inside, I'm yearning,
Bile of rage rises, bitter learning.
Find what I've hidden,
Sifting for straws of kindness,
Landing naked and bruised on gravel again, I rise.
Under my feet a bridge appears.
Here, the bridge zigzags. Another man stands,
Again I feel the desire, the yearning.
I walk on.
Now the bridge is long, straight and true,
Which is kind of courageous and romantic, but I think the poem better without it. I sort of like poems to end in a continuing journey towards the unknown, just like life.
it's hard to find a housemate in Seattle nowadays!
Yet again someone was supposed to come see the place this morning and called about half an hour into our supposed meeting time to say she'd changed her mind.
Looking for someone to live with is so hard. You want to find a really great person that you can relate to and enjoy living with, but the need for rent money starts putting on the pressure and pretty soon you just want to find somebody, anybody who can pay the rent and stop the invisible looming mountain of credit debt from piling up any higher.
Frustrated in Seattle.
October 22, 2002
This last year has been one of dramatic changes for me. Some devastating, some crazy-making, some restoring, some amazing. There's been shattering pain and astonishing bliss, battles fought and lessons revisited(perhaps even learned). I've been crushed, tormented and caught, strained and stained by the ghastly muck of legal machinations.
I've never had a lot of money, but this year I discovered what it's like to have NONE. It's scarey to be broke with mounting debts and have a child to feed, clothe and protect. To somehow maintain an aura of "everything is OK, mama's gonna take care of you" even when everything seemed fucked and I had no plan, no idea how I was going to deal with it all. It has been so amazing to me that somehow through the grace of gods and good generous loving humans, it really has turned out alright everytime. I've gotten to know chaos well and I've even sort of gained some sense of balance, of knowing how to ride the waves without becoming completely overwhelmed and drowned by the bigger ones.
It's been almost a year since I chose to change my life, to break my family apart. Nearly a year since I moved out of my life with Jonathan, Sam's father. It was no light decision. I doubted myself for years, arguing all the arguments a woman's heart holds dear, even more dear than her own souls yearnings...
Nov 17th, 2001, I cut off my long blond hair and dyed it flaming red. Then I went to a performance art event and read my poems in public for the first time in a very very long time. It was the beginning of the end and, an awakening. An awakening thirst to create, to live bigger, louder, more lusciously. To allow myself to burst, to bloom, to devour, to slake my thirst finally! I would not waste away in self appointed martyrdom any longer.
I will not waste this life, this precious Rzan body, mind, spirit I have been gifted. How could I be a good mother, mate and friend if I'm denying my spirit? It is much clearer to me now, that paying attention to myself, to my deep, real needs serves my life and the lives of my family much much better than burying them and waiting, wishing... Living in fragments, dreams, bound by resentment, neglect, peeking through the gaps in the fabric of my frustration. It's crazy how a pattern grows, so slowly, so gradually that you don't even know, you aren't even aware of how warped, how twisted, how very far away you have crept from the truth, from the path you want, from who you really are.
Well, what was supposed to be a short intro to the series of poems that I wrote over the span of this year has become an epic and Sammy wants me to read him a book, so I think the poems will have to wait for the next post.
Thanks for listening.
October 21, 2002
Man oh man am I having a grouchy-ass day today. Had weird dreams all night and woke up unwilling to be present in my real world.
At least I'm all by myself today so I won't take it out on anyone-until I have to go to class tonight. Glad we aren't doing massage this class, I'd hate to give some hapless fellow student a massage in this foul mood. That would suck.
Maybe it's seasonal affective disorder. It seems like a lot of people have the blues right now. Or perhaps the 'greys' would be more accurate, as in grey skies, grey drizzle, grey, grey, grey...
Hmmmm...Where oh where is my dear friend Chocolate?
ablaze in my backyard. We had a sweet little punkin carving party last night.
D. and I cooked up a mess o' lentil/lamb stew, punkin soup and punkin bread. We feasted and then descended on the poor hapless pumpkins, cut, stabbed, carved and disembowelled until our hands were orange with gloppy innards and the house looked like the aftermath of a veggie massacre, as indeed it was. The jack o'lanterns came out awesome though. Such creative friends I'm blessed with.
Good messy fun. Someone had a camera, maybe if the pics come out I'll post them. Sam and Rowan were right in the middle of the carnage, of course.
October 19, 2002
Yay! Daniel(of tinyblog fame)scanned some pics and put them up for me. Check 'em out on my sidebar. Wow, I have a sidebar...I can say things like that now :)
So, you can see how cute Sammy and Rowan are. I love the hammock series. It hangs out under the pear and apple tree in my back yard and they have a grand time swinging on it all summer.
Blackbird is of course my lovely mother, Carol-I don't know many folks who actually call her Carol, most often it's BB, or Granma BB. The picture was taken in Hawaii, as was the rainbow Rzan one(shot at the steamy crater of a volcano) and the bikini shot of my sister Lyca and I gracing a lagoon. We had such a lovely time. It really was like paradise.
The face picture is actually me creating a bust of Lyca. For my senior show at the UW I made busts of my entire(extended)family, including dogs, cats, and even a cockatiel.
I got to shake my booty tonight!
My friend Jill and I went to the Baltic Room and danced until we started to feel a little too much like sardines(PACKED IN)but it was SO good to shake it all out on the dance floor. It's been way too long!
Earlier, my mom took me to the VSA Art show at the Seattle Center. Very cool. We saw this awesome dance performance by Light Motion. Three women, one in a wheelchair(apparently she designed it herself-super slick and lightweight). They were incredible, they twirled and spun, sometimes they got going so fast I was afraid she was going to fly right out of the chair! It was beautiful, graceful, funny and sweet. The chair became an integral part of the dance, they all used it to balance and swing each other around. Quite fluid and lovely.
Some very cool art, and my mom, our friend Alexis and I boogied down to the Jazz band they had playing.
All in all, a very enjoyable evening.
I think I'll sleep pretty well tonight.
October 18, 2002
there's nothing better on a cold shivery fall day in Seattle.
Neko Case is singing "cold and shiver, cold and shiver..." in her sweet longing voice on my new CD/DVD player and I'm looking out the window at the cold drizzle falling on my pumpkins and sunflowers. I'm thinking about last night.
It is absolutely incredible how the nearness of another human body can feel so...like heaven. Just all wrapt up in bliss.
Life's pretty amazing. There's so much pain, fear and confusion, there's times when it's simply overwhelming, so hard and everything seems completely insane and totally impossible to cope with. But then there are these moments when it's all...golden and glowing, so rich and so...just so GOOD. So much love and truth, generosity and tenderness, all wrapt up like a present in one sweet human body. and you think: "Oh, that's how it is, life really IS good!". You know you'll be confused again, hurt and angry again, probably even downright miserable again, but you know that life also has this inherent goodness, you know how precious it is.
People are amazing. I'm glad I am one.
October 16, 2002
I just want to curl up in a little ball, like a cat in the sun, and go to sleep. Retreat from all the woes and worries-let all the unpaid bills, looming debts, emotional frustrations, fears and insecurities just go away, vanish!-by making myself as small and unobtrusive as possible.
I'd pull in my long arms, legs, hands and my big ol' feet like a snail withdrawing into the safety of it's shell. Wrapt all tight, arms around legs like a tiny ball of string, round and perfect.
A cocoon, that's what I need! Wow, how amazing it must be to be able to weave yourself up into a soft white blanket, to completely cover yourself, all balled up head to foot and just exist in your own puny universe for a time. Of course melting into a gooey mess of glop and then reforming into a completely different shape might kinda suck. Though emerging transformed could be a blast. Look ma, I'm a butterfly!
Don't mind me, I'm clearly rambling... Way, way too many metaphors, or is it a simile when you use the word 'like'? High school grammer was a long time ago.
Anyway I have to unfurl myself now and prepare for reentry. Calls to make, kid to pick up, dinner to make, night school to go to...
October 15, 2002
I am a kitten. Meow meow meow.
I play with a lot of things and I eat a lot of kitty food.
I am a grown up kitten.
My lovely housemate, Cara, has moved out. Sammy and I will miss her and the kitties, Sugarpuss and Firefly. Cara, you are a wonderful housemate and a good friend, a real pleasure to live with. You fill a house with loving energy. I look forward to being friends with you for many years to come.
We wish you much fun and happiness in your new Capitol Hill digs.
Love, Sam and Rzan
October 14, 2002
I could walk a few steps out my front door.
I could lie down on the short green grass,
It would be so simple and easy.
So easy to wipe away this heavy mood,
One motion, one moment of action to cast aside the murky muddle,
Chaos to simplicity in one brilliant, casual act.
Flat upon the ground as illusion dissolves, distortion shatters and I
October 13, 2002
That's what came out of my mouth when I tried to explain where we went for dinner last night to my classmates this morning. Chalk it up to being up too early on a Sunday morning after staying up too late. Blah, blah, bluh, blurph... Can I just lie down on the table now and get a tummy massage please? Oh, can I just say, I LOVE my class! If I have to go to school on a weekend, this is definately the way to go.
Pizza and Pasta, yeah that's it. And spumoni icecream-I'd never experienced that before, WOW! Just one of the many new and lovely things Daniel has introduced me to. Like blogging, for instance. Thanks, D.
His awesome mama, Karen was in town this week so when I came home all weary from school and mournfully noticed there weren't any leftovers in the fridge she took us out(D, Sammy, Rowan and I)to Santorini's. We had a great time. Lots of goofy kid stuff like holding hands and jumping up and down chanting "Moon, moon, moon!" the whole walk there.
We had to wait a super long time for a table, so I had the kids run laps. It's amazing what you can make exciting for them. "Hey kids, look at that sidewalk! How many times do you think you could run to the far end and back?" Sam's all "TEN!", Rowan, a little older, and wiser to the sneaky possibilites of parental enthusiasm says "Five." And off they went. Then they happily collapsed on the sidewalk whilst we sipped our complimentary vino.
We all drew pictures with markers and stuffed our bellies on excellent pasta and pizza. Mmmmm... It was a grand time although we narrowly avoided a Sammy meltdown when Rowan voted against marinated artichoke hearts on the pizza-which, go figure, my outrageous little boy had his heart set on. So we got half and half. They didn't thrill him as much in reality as they had in the figments of his imagination.
The kids announced they were having lollipops for dessert. I said: "Lollipops? There aren't any!" But sure enough their candy detectors were dot on. The waitress brought over a little basket of lollis that had apparently been hanging out on the counter. Sheesh, where are my priorities? Too think I'm so grown up I don't notice candy anymore. It's sad. The baklava, however did not escape my attention, nor did the D's spumoni which I happily helped him devour.
It was yay fun, as Sam used to say back when his r's and l's sounded like y's. Love was yuv, red was yed and real became yay.
Yay, I still like that.
October 08, 2002
weird cat dreams
Lots and lots of cats in my dreams lately.
Last night I had this strange one where I was living in this posh apartment that shared a balcony with my ex(Sammy's father, Jonathan)s apartment. We had to communicate by means of large drawn or written signs which we would put up in the window(which is nutty, but unfortunately might be a more effective method than the REAL life way we currently do so)but he kept putting his blinds down everytime I taped a message or picture up in my window. So, I leaned out the window and looked in his side window. He ran around to that room, pulled the blind half down and began to plop cats out onto the deck. There was a brown tabbycat, a fluffy tortie, a white kitty with black head and tail...and four or five others. I kept wondering why he was tossing them out, if he was trying to provoke me or something. I wanted to hop out and gather them up, but what would I do with so many cats?
As you can guess, our relationship is pretty difficult, fraught as it is with legal tensions , suspicion and poor communication. But the cats? I don't know, except that cats were always an issue in our (unofficial)marriage. I've always been a cat person and felt rather deprived when I couldn't have one due to his allergies and rampant dislike of felines(like keeping rats in the house he'd say). So maybe that's it. Now I can have all the kitties he can toss out? Silly dream.
Then I dreamt my roomate Cara's kittens were swimming in a big shallow pool, diving down in and catching little fishes. I was amazed that they liked the water so much. Firefly hauled her drippy little body out-cats look SO funny when they are wet-all skinny and waterlogged-and flopped down all exhausted. Sugarpuss just kept on fishing.
I felt a scratch on my foot and lifted it up to see. To my shock, there was a tiny metal tube stuck in the side of my foot! I also spyed a teensy glass vial-instantly I knew there were spies after me! They'd drugged me with something or other. I knew I had to act quickly and with great nonchalance. So I ducked around to the other side of the pool where my gallant cohorts(Daniel and Cara-in disguise, of course) used a miniature gadget to remove the dart from my foot. But within seconds of setting out again, I felt multiple stings, and sure enough, upon inspection, my big toe was all full of weird little metal barbs. Again they swiftly ministered to me, but this time the machine grabbed all the weapons at once and yanked them out all bloody, some of them had ends like forks and scissors-Arrgh!
Then I startled awake to the sharp little claws of Firefly ripping at my toes under the covers! #$@*%$#!-Ouch, but I was laughing too much to really be mad at her when I realized what I'd been dreaming.
Hope you've enjoyed this bizarre little interlude from the subconscious of the Rzanimal. Now back to our regular programming...
October 06, 2002
I just made riceburgers.
Leftover sticky brown rice, grated carrots, salt, peppa, ground sunflower seeds, flour and an egg.
Soooo yummy and they actually looked perfect too, just like a real burger-well a real veggie burger that is.
The kids loved 'em as I suspected, since rice with butter is just about their fave food.
Uhoh, I hear some major league fussing, bragging time's over, I gotta go break some heads-uh, I mean, apply some stern disciplinary measures, being the good parent that I am.
To my dear friends Paul(Oct seventh) and Stacy(Oct sixth). I love you!!
This is Paul. We were out in a cabin on the Olympic Peninsula when I drew this. It's his "Man, that was a good bottle of merlot" look. We had a grand time. Lots of gourmet meals, wine, port, excellent desserts and good company. We all ended up groaning happily with overfull bellies and sweetly muddled heads. Sam ate caviar for the first time and man, did he love it-all over his face!
Stacy, my amazing sweet friend on Whidby Island, I met when i was a lonely new mama, and I'm still so thankful for her gracious warm presence in my life-even now that she's way out there on the island. I miss you Stacy! Come and get a massage soon, OK?
October 05, 2002
Garlic planting time!
Every year on oct. 6th(which also happens to be my beautiful friend Stacy's birthday) I plant garlic. I go out there and dig in the chilly wet earth, prepare a nice smooth raised bed, poke those little white cloves in the ground and wait for the little green shoots to poke up. It's rather nice in such damp cold wintry weather, to dream of next summers garlic harvest.
I love garlic.
Garlic is my ally. As soon as I feel a cold coming on, I slam some garlic. I mince it into everything-well, not quite everything, but everything garlic goes well with...Soups, humus, meat, stirfry, fish, yogurt sauce...etc, etc, etc...
Sometimes if I'm really feeling hardcore, I just mix a minced clove with a little water and down it like a shot.
More often than not, I don't even catch the cold. The garlic just SCARES it right out of my bod.
Plus, it's yummy. I like to soak minced garlic in olive oil and herbs for a while, then dip bread in it-especially that crusty on the outside, soft and doughy on the inside kind of bread.
0r, have you ever had fresh, hot, roasted garlic with basil and olive oil, spread lovingly all over sourdough bread?
No? Go thou forth and enjoy the goodness of garlic.
October 03, 2002
So, I guess I left out the most important part of our zoo trip-at least according to my son(nearly five) and my boyfriend(twenty seven and still thinking like a kid).
So, we were hanging out with the gorillas. A big ol' mama was attempting to take a nap whilst her frolicking young'un annoyed the heck out of her. Pulling the burlap sack blanket out from under her and trying to get her to play peekaboo underneath it. So she reaches out one humongous hand and simply lays it on the kids tummy effectively pinning the squirmy little guy to the ground. Still she gets little handy feet pushing all over her face-no rest for the mama, much to the amused sympathy of us handful of human mamas on the other side of the glass partitions with OUR little squirmy charges. So she rolls over onto her belly and turns her back.
Well, that's when the cute little gorilla baby really got busy. We couldn't believe our eyes. Those curious little baby fingers reached right into his mama's butt and pulled out-well, you know what comes out of a gorillas butt don'tcha? Apparently, it looked kinda tasty too, 'cause, yeah, you guessed it, plop! Right into that lil mouth. MMmmmm, mama poop...
Sam was so transported with delight by this he immediately immortalized it in song: "poop, poop, eating poop, poop. He likes it, he likes it, eating mama poop!"
And of course everyone had to hear all about it for the rest of the day.
October 01, 2002
Sammy and I had a fun afternoon ogling animals at the zoo today. Our friend Peggy took us, she's an excellent zoo guide as she used to work there. So we got to hear her stories, like how much soapy scrubbing it takes to wash a bear and the hippo(who resembled nothing so much as a giant leather balloon peacefully floating in the water)is named Lily.
Sam got up close and personal with a Siamang monkey, the king of the Orangutans, a mama gorilla and her tiny baby, and a giant python. He loved it all. They seemed pretty interested in him. The python was probably just sizing him up for dinner, but the apes and monkey really seemed to want to relate to him. It was pretty cool. The Siamang swung up to the glass, all black fur and great long muscular arms. He stared at Sam with somewhat mournful eyes for a while, then he threw his arms out to the side and grinned and shook his head rapidly. Sam laughed. The monkey hung upside down and contemplated Sam that way for a long moment. So I held Sammy upside down to stare back at him the same way. Rightside up again, they watched each other for ages. Sam wants to visit him again soon.
The Orang also came right up to the glass and stared at Sammy. Tiny pink nose to giant brown one and only a single sheet of glass squeezed up between them. He was huge, immensely strong and very impressive. He just sat there and stared.
The gorilla mama was beautiful. She sat and munched on corn stalks, gracefully and meticulously peeling the outer stalk away with her gigantic fingers to nibble the core out whilst her tiny baby suckled at her breast. The baby was amazing. He looked so human, like a little grey/black baby person. Perfect little ears and fingers.
It was a perfect afternoon, warm september sunshine, very few humans strolling about. The animals were watching us as much as we were watching them.
I love the otters. They always seem to be having a grand fun time, either diving and playing in the water sending silver bubble streams arcing up to the surface, or frolicking about on the shore and, like most of my favorite critters, they're mad snugglers!
OK, I'm tired and I've gotta make these kids eat their dinners, give'em dessert, cleanup, pick bedtime books, brush teeth and hair and get them snuggled down to bed most likely to the tune of: "Noooo, Idowannagotobed!"