The Palace of Loverzan Don't mess with the palace guardian.
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Enjoy your visit.
November 27, 2002
Oh boy.

why did I think this week would work?

Did I really PLAN to get home from Vancouver, BC late tues night, make entirely from scratch a thanksgiving feast for like ten or more folks and then leave the next day on trip #2?

Yeah, I guess I did. Duh.

I left no room for human error, like my mama and Daniel not connecting and the shopping not being done-which means he'll be up at the crack of 8am to get a ride to Whole Foods, shop, bring shit back so's I can get the cornbread mixed, cooked and crumbled to go in the stuffing, to go in the bird, to go in the oven-in time to feed the guests!


Straight from the Queen's mouth. Sayeth rzan at 01:33 AM | Pipe Up! (3)
November 22, 2002
I must be nuts

See, I'm on vacation from school.

That means I can relax right? No classes, no massages, no stress...

Uhuh. First, the Samonster and I are off to visit my dad and the Vancouver Canada side of my family, I plan on getting back on Tues, making Thanksgiving dinner for my mama and friends on Wednesday, then going out of town again on Thursday, getting back on Sunday just in time for school to start up again on Monday.

I'm crazy, but I think there's gonna be some fun in there somewhere.

Maybe I'll even get to relax.

Straight from the Queen's mouth. Sayeth rzan at 12:47 AM | Pipe Up! (2)
Death of an Angel


Forgive me for the day
I mistook your mortal clay
for an Angel.

I thought that Heaven sent you to me.
I really felt you knew me.
My soul cried out your name.
It seemed you felt the same.

But now I cry in shame
that I told you.
You only wanted me to hold you.

The sweet things that you said
echo in my head
and the richest jest of all,
is that your mere amusement
seemed to me
to be
your soul answering my call.

So I built a glorious illusion
in my crazy womans delusion.
I danced of love, sex and passion.
I drank deep divine juice.

A wild willing goddess set loose
I offered you my cup
of love and freedom.

But you passed it up
shattered me apart
and now my foolish heart
loses to the ground
all the bliss it found.

Deep and dark I dig the hole.
It must be huge to hide
a love that is as wide
and clear as the tall sky.

And so I bury the wrenching in my gut
with the bones of the bird who wished to fly
through the window of a heart
that was shut.

So this is how it ends.
As friends.
Together, yet apart.

Nov 8th, 2001. Devastated.

Straight from the Queen's mouth. Sayeth rzan at 12:19 AM | Pipe Up! (0)


So tired, yet sleepless, I grow colder.
A heavy peaceful sensation rests,
blankets my aching ribs and shoulder,
drifts like snow across my breasts,
belly, legs and eyes.
Soft, cold snow.

There is no further action to be taken.
From now on it's just flow.
I've cast out my desire on the sea.
Now, let the current carry me.

As the snow melts slowly,
softly from my body,
a warmly rising tide engulfs me,
thawing heart, mind and soul.

It carries me whole
up to the blessed shore of oneness.
That gentle warm caress,
the kiss of the waves on the land,
the touch of a loving hand,
has found me.

Arms around me,
love surrounds me and whispers
like wind in my moonlit hair.


Also written Nov 7th, 2001. Gentle, peaceful yearning.

Straight from the Queen's mouth. Sayeth rzan at 12:06 AM | Pipe Up! (0)
November 21, 2002


It's too much, too open,
too honest,
and far too wide
out here.

All the tender tiny feelings
want to hide
in fear.

If only they could learn their wings
they'd fly right back into the nest
crawl inside
and wait
for a more certain date.

Poor little things, they sing their song...
Could their mother be wrong?
She pushed them out, bid them fly.

What if no one hears the wish,
gathers them up to love and cherish?
Out in the open,
encircled in bright yellow pen
is a hard place for my heart and me
to be.

This one I wrote the next day, Nov. 7th, 2001. As you can see, my wild, bold mood of the previous night(Juice) had slipped away.

Straight from the Queen's mouth. Sayeth rzan at 11:57 PM | Pipe Up! (0)


I shiver, I shudder, I feel a coming.
Someone is strumming,
here in my stomach.

Something cracked in my back
and now my head is thrumming,
my body is humming.

Someone's coming.

I was waiting,
confused and hesitating.
I knew I was going to erupt,
I knew it would be abrupt.

is coming.
is humming, strumming me
throbbing, mobbing me.

chanting in my ear,
shaking up my year,
tossing out my fear.

Now, I'm open and change is here.
The juice is spreading through me
and those who thought they knew me
will wonder who the hell I am
and those who give a damn
will have to wade through the forest,
find my lush and steamy jungle nest.

The change has set me loose,
see me dancing in the juice!

I'm alive! And I know,
I'm WET! From head to toe.

No more need to wait
I'm ready to create.
I'm dancing, I'm singing,
The holy bells are ringing!

Hallejulah, the CHANGE has come to me
EXPLODED in my empty tummy
and filled it with juice.

so fulfilling,

Also written on Nov. 6th, but after the bath.

Straight from the Queen's mouth. Sayeth rzan at 11:46 PM | Pipe Up! (0)
November 19, 2002

I was at the seashore with Daniel, Ben, Cara and the kids. Sam and Rowan were frolicking on the edge of the water. There were some large rocks sticking up half in and half out of the lapping waves.

Rowan asked me to help her climb on a medium sized one near a larger overhang. I complied, holding her hand and steadying her around the waist as she scrambled up. "Ooh, look!" she said, pointing beneath the overhang. I glanced over, then stared. Curling and curving out from under the jagged edge of rock came a slim head, followed by a long eel-wiggly body. It slid, slithered, glided through the water. We were dumbstruck, staring, trying to discern what it was, which was rather difficult as its gyrations and the water made it hard to make out the shape of the whole creature. It was all snakey, with fins flaring out and it seemed to have two tails. "A watersnake?" I postulated, Rowan said: "No, no, it's a dragon!" Everyone had gathered around now. I saw she was right, the creature had legs, even clawed hands... It was indeed a DRAGON! A sleek, silvery-white, scaley, beautiful dragon. I held onto Rowan tightly as the dragon approached. Daniel was holding Sam nearby. The dragon had huge eyes, brown and like a horses eyes, at once wild, sweet, shy and bold. "It's eating flowers." Sam said wonderingly. Sure enough, it reached under the edge of the boulder and was pulling these pretty little plants out, they resembled seaweed, but were shimmering sage green and silver with budding flowers on them of a magnificent, deep, velvety purple-red.

The little seadragon plucked a bud with its dextrous fingers, slipping so close we could feel its coils sliding past our legs, it reached up and offered me the flower. Looking into those gorgeous, wise eyes, I took the tiny bud in my hand. Filled with strange emotion, I examined the offering, taking in its minute details, the tender folds of its so soft petals, the deep burgandy hue so in contrast to its pale sepals and foliage. It was exquisite and yet... I knew I couldn't keep it. I pulled off a petal and put it to my tongue. It was wet, silky, a little salty. I set it on the water and watched it float away. Then petal by petal, I gently pulled the little flower apart, giving each piece to the rippling waters, watching as they drifted farther and farther out.

Suddenly, as if coming awake, I realized Rowan was clinging to me, wet and shivering, whimpering slightly. I asked Ben: "Did you bring extra clothes?" He said no and something to the effect of how foolish it had been for her to get wet.
I lifted her out of the water and found the beach gone(the dragon and flowers were also gone as if they had never been there). Instead, there was a window. The only place to go was onto the sill. I clung to the window, hanging onto Rowan whom I had bundled under my sweater to keep warm. Everybody else had already found a way through and they were on the other side, on the dock, waiting for me. The window opened horizontally, and swung out and up, so it was extremely challenging to find a way to crawl through with Rowan still clinging to me like a little marsupial. As I wrangled with the stubborn window, The other folks were trying to get us a boat to escape on.

A group of tough kids, teenage country ruffians, came sauntering along. Uhoh, trouble! I thought. But Martha(My childhood friend and leader of the bratpack)was with us and she talked so tough and cool that she soon had them helping us. They wirecut a fence and soon we had an awesome seaworthy big boat.

I guess we were stealing it, but it definately seemed the righteous thing to do at the moment. Funny how dreams go...

Straight from the Queen's mouth. Sayeth rzan at 01:18 PM | Pipe Up! (0)
test relief

WHOOHOO!! I passed my test!

I have successfully completed my first term of school. Yay!

Well, actually I still need to do 3 more hours of massage to have our term quota of 40. But I'm patting myself on the back anyway.

Only 8 wrong out of 150 purty darn hardcore anatomy/physiology/pathology questions. Not too bad.

Pat, pat.

Straight from the Queen's mouth. Sayeth rzan at 12:45 AM | Pipe Up! (3)
lightning dancer

Before bed last night Daniel and I stayed up late(well actually it was pretty early for us crazy night owls)talking with Ben. It was a rather complex, intense discussion on relationships, the arbitrary nature of structure, and meaningless sex. Then we went to bed.

The dream started right there, with the three of us in the kitchen. Daniel and Ben were conversing intently, somewhat at odds with each other as they argued their way to the same place. Quite similar, in fact, to the waking reality. I was staring out the window into the midnight blackness of the backyard, half of my mind was listening carefully, following the contortions of the conversation and the other half was marvelling at the stormy landscape.

Several flashes of lightening caught my full attention. It was no ordinary lightening storm. The shaft of lightening drilled into the ground like a giant laser beam, ferociously churning up the dark brown soil. I was gripped by fear and utterly astounded. My mind was feebly telling me something about listening for the thunder and calculating the distance, as though this crazy lightening might really be some simple, distant, natural phenomenon. I watched several bolts drill their holes violently underground and disappear, their tails flickering and writhing like snakes.

There was another friend with us now. I can't remember who she was, just that she was a near and dear friend. She decided to go outside. "NO, NO!" We tried to prevail upon her to stop, but she was determined and pushed past us.

We watched in horror as she crossed the distressed ground. She made it to the top of the rise before it got her. The bolt hit her directly. For a single, frozen moment we saw her impaled on the jagged spear of electricity, then she crumpled and vanished in an incandescent flash.

Daniel and Ben immediately tried to go look for her, but I stopped them. "Wait." I whimpered.

A few minutes later we saw a glow, a flicker, like a flourescent lightbulb malfunctioning. The random flickering settled into a pattern and we realized slowely that there was form to it, like seeing a hologram appear in smoke. It was her, our friend. She gradually became complete, a being made of light, of electricity. She danced before us.

It was disturbing, eerie, mesmerizing and I have no idea what it means.

Straight from the Queen's mouth. Sayeth rzan at 12:09 AM | Pipe Up! (2)
November 12, 2002
new roomies!

Yay! The search was getting pretty desperate, when all of a sudden, THEY found me!

Terra and Yoni, a very sweet, cute, travelling couple, friends of our dear friends Josh and Jess(another totally sweet couple) are in town for the winter looking for someplace they can stash their stuff, lay their heads and generally just call home(like, wow, there's an indoor bathroom, honey!).

They came over and made us homemade calzones(Mmmmm), paid rent and then left again for a few weeks-I really couldn't pass that up could I?

Such good snuggly people too. I look forward to sharing their lives for a while, I forsee much delicious cooking and eating, playing, laughing and cozy movie watching evenings.

Plus they were a great hit with the kids. Definately passed the Rowan monkeyjim test-everyone who enters her space must undergo it and Yoni was a real trooper, she swarmed all over him and we all had a marvelous time.

Straight from the Queen's mouth. Sayeth rzan at 08:09 PM | Pipe Up! (1)
November 09, 2002
crazyass dreams

First of all, I do not admit to any (conscious)responsibliity for the contents of my dreams, they are entirely the result of my subconscious world, my weird lurking childhood memories, subliminal cultural messages absorbed from movies/books, and the whims of any spirit guides who like to put their two cents in now and then when the lights go out and the rzanimal enters dreamtime.

So, there I was peacefully sleeping when the adventure began:

The setting was a towering catacombs/labyrinth/castle structure. My girlfriend and I were the unwilling guests of the vampires who lived there. There was no way in or out except to fly off the ramparts. Looking over the edge was dizzying, so high up were we, the forested hills and valleys below looked tiny.

The Lord of the vampire clan was gorgeous, darkly regal, svelte(of course, it goes with the job title, I'm sure)malevolently evil and entirely TOO friendly. He kept attempting to get Marge(my friend) to give herself up to him. She was no dummy, however and avoided him deftly with the wit and mental control of a jedi.

Her powers grew. I stood at the parapet. We were talking and suddenly, she was flying! Broomstick between her thighs, she made her escape. I was amazed, I rejoiced, and then, as she disappeared in the distance, I heard the hissing angry vampires closing in around me, and then, I realized in horror, her escape meant I was now alone, the only tender human morsel amongst the whole undead lot of them!

The vampire Lord now turned his slimey charms on me along with his underlings. They tried many different tricks, sometimes appearing as sweet harmless old ladies who came to comfort me, soothing and patting, or as tender little children offering loving hugs... But I was not deceived, although my mind was effected by their powers so that I couldn't quite think straight, I always managed to perceive the wicked gleam in their wide innocent eyes and evade the caress that would have turned into a bite out of my neck.

So I guess I had some witchy powers too. I even worked out a pretty clever escape plan. I leaned out over the edge of the parapet, waiting for the two young vampires who were watching me to close in. Sure enough, they did so, coming up on either side of me. Quick as a flash, I shoved off, grabbing a hold of their flailing legs as they summoned their fledgling flight powers. As I had hoped, they were only powerful enough to keep us aloft. Elated, I managed to steer us out over the trees towards the lake. That was my mistake.

I thought I could leap into the water and swim away as they struggled to get their bearings in the foreign element. I leaped and began to swim, but the monsters metamorphasized(how the heck do you spell that?) as they entered the water. They grew webbed appendages, sharklike fins, and nasty sawtoothed mouths. They hounded me, biting and grabbing. It was too much. I gave up and let them take me prisoner again.

Back at the catacombs, the Lord chastised me, but before he could punish me, Marge flew back in. I was saved! I ran to her, but stopped short. I was repulsed by her aura of power. I saw her smile a little half smile that twisted up at the corner. The look in her eyes was potent, a wee bit hellish and frankly, scared the SHIT out of me.

Which was worse, witch or vampire? Who would I choose?

Alas, we will never know, I woke up.

Well, that took a while to write out. I guess I don't have time to tell y'all about the giant baboon creatures that I tried to communicate with(unsuccessfully)in my next dream. More scarey shit. Is it a full moon or something?

Straight from the Queen's mouth. Sayeth rzan at 10:04 PM | Pipe Up! (0)
November 05, 2002
skeletons in class

So last night in school we COLORED! Here we are, a group of adults, sitting around with kids markers, coloring bones, cutting them out and gluing them together. Giggling like a buncha kids.

I don't know if we learned very much, aside from the fact that Keridwin sure can sing showtunes, but we sure had a goofy ol' time.

Sammy is all excited to do a skeleton, I brought home an extra one from school. He's impatiently waiting for me to get off the computer so I can get it out for him.

Markers...You can do a lot with kids markers. I wonder how many other artist moms out there end up satisfying their frustrated creative cravings with markers, crayons and fingerpaints?

Man, I need to get my hands back in the clay...

Straight from the Queen's mouth. Sayeth rzan at 12:53 PM | Pipe Up! (3)
Mountain dweller