The Palace of Loverzan Don't mess with the palace guardian.
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Enjoy your visit.
August 31, 2004

No more classifieds!

I finally found a place to live. I'm so so so happy! I can throw away all the papers, NOT have to look at anymore gloomy basements and try to somehow mentally cram all of our stuff, Sam, kilns and kaboodle into them. I can get up and like, eat breakfast to start my day instead of pouring over the online ads on craigslist till my brain begins to drool.

Yay! It's a nice place, thanks to all of y'all who prayed for us. I'll be living with a fellow Brenneke graduate who is just launching her massage business(when she gets back from China, that is), there's a lovely big yard that I'm already daydreaming about creating a fantastic garden in, a basement for my ceramic sculpturing needs, the neighbors are super-musicians and artists and a yoga instructor with prayer flags along her grape arbor.

Well, all the neighbors except for the prerequisite crazy lady across the street, the one with the chainlink riot fences surrounding her house, the surveillance cameras, the one who apparently calls the cops if anyone parks in front of her house. Yikes! Oh well, I guess every neighborhood has to have something like that.

I think Green Tara must've heard Sams prayer-there's a nice big basement room where pretty much ALL his stuff can go. I think he's gonna like it there.

It's a really sweet 'hood too, just a few blocks from the new library, all kinds of shops within walking distance.

Holy shit, I'm so relieved. It was damn scarey hanging on by my teeth here, being the sole rent payer in a $1250 home!

Now I just need to pack.... and offload a buncha stuff, downsize my life a bit, so to speak. Maybe I'll have me a yardsale.

Straight from the Queen's mouth. Sayeth rzan at 09:58 PM | Pipe Up! (2)

Just got 53 new cialis spam comments and I can't get MT Blacklist to delete them!

Keeps saying internal server error when I try.

SO confrustricating!

Straight from the Queen's mouth. Sayeth rzan at 12:48 PM | Pipe Up! (4)
August 26, 2004
I'm procrastinating...

Really oughter be diggin into all that financial paperwork for the Slenderthunder business plan... But here I am blogging.

At least I'm not burning anything on the stove at the moment.


Anyhoo, I thought I was a longwalker? Not even! Nate and I went to a movie last night, at the Crest(yay for cheap movies!)and we WALKED all 50 or 60 blocks! There and back again

That dude's crazy!


It was seriously fun, yo. There's nothing like walking and walking and talking and talking with a good friend.

The movie was good too, COffee and Cigarettes, a series of shorts of people in various states of boredom, awkwardness, excitement, negotiation, wistfullness and angst smoking over cups of coffee. SOme of them were pretty damn funny, too.

Amazingly enough, my legs aren't even that sore. 100 blocks or so? Bring it on, baby!

OK, now I swear, it's paperwork time.

Straight from the Queen's mouth. Sayeth rzan at 01:59 PM | Pipe Up! (0)
August 25, 2004
Ah, dialup.

That was quick.

D gallantly popped by with videos for Sammy(he's feeling much better, poor tummyboy) and hooked me up with dialup.

It's slow like molasses, but at least I can blog and troll through the classifieds(oh joy) now...

Put in a prayer for me to find a good affordable home for me n Sam soon, 'k? It's really wearing me thin, all this fruitless hunting. Sam's showing some strain too. He prayed to Tara while I was meditating last night: "Please help us find a place that's big enough for all our stuff..."

He has been such a helper lately, all on his own initiative, too. He carried Kayas catfood(a 7 lb bag) all the way home from the store and has been offering to carry in groceries(I can get all three bags, mama!) and clearing all the dishes from the table... Such a little man.

I'm knee deep in paperwork too, for Slenderthunder, business plan, costs and financial forecasts-if I get it all in soon I can use my business account to pay for a badly needed photoshop class this fall, and some of the awesome computery gadgets that I've been missing since D moved out.

Damn, it's cold today-that breeze is freezing this boney girl to bits... I'm not ready for fall yet-what the heck happened to summer?

Straight from the Queen's mouth. Sayeth rzan at 04:20 PM | Pipe Up! (0)
August 24, 2004
incommunicado for a while

No more DSL. RCC (Ben and Daniels business) just took the last of their computery stuff outta my garage and ripped it out(Jeez, thanks for the 2 second warning, Ben!) outta my garage.

So I won't be posting for a bit, till I cna get dial up. Damn, it's gonna make the househunting a lot harder too.

Poor Sam. He's hella sick with tummyache today.

See y'all soon.

At least I finished Kali.

Straight from the Queen's mouth. Sayeth rzan at 11:19 AM | Pipe Up! (0)
August 20, 2004
mission oriented driving

It's all about getting stuff done.

I drove to Fred Meyers, got a new key made for Dakini(it's been sticking), then to the gas station to fill the hard working girl up, then to PCC for groceries and home again.

I know this doesn't sound mega-exciting or anything... What could be more humdrum than an errand run? But it sure feels good to do it myself!

My mama was my co-pilot this time, thenks mama!

Straight from the Queen's mouth. Sayeth rzan at 06:15 PM | Pipe Up! (0)
August 18, 2004
my brain is drooling classifieds

Like a baby that's had too much pablum. Ceaselessly scrolling rental ads, numbers, areas-why couldn't I live out in Fall City, or Bumfuck Seattle, somewhere I could afford a nice, roomy place?

Bah, just tired. Too much crazy middleofthenightscrawling.

I did go back to bed, got back to sleep for an hour or two. My client meeting went smashingly, I think SlenderThunder may have it's first illustration job!

By the way, did I tell y'all Rzanimals is changing it's name?

SlenderThunder is the new incarnation of my art business.

Like it?

Straight from the Queen's mouth. Sayeth rzan at 01:30 PM | Pipe Up! (0)
why sleep?

How sleep when it's 4am and an elemental storm courses through me, inappropriate poetry crackling, bursting out my seams?


Sleep sundered,
Wired, electric, surefooted.

Storm dancer hurls lightning, wind-whipped.

Thunder howls unheard in the rising crescendo.
Music pouring forth like tidal sweat,
drenches my skinny body.

Sodden sheets stick as I twist,
turn, awake.

Dreaming of you,
of warm fur, burrowing deep, touching comfort,
hand brushing breast, lingering, startling passion.

Sweeping me awake into awareness of absence and love spilling over, rocking me, bowling me over, cascading forth in endless waves. Searching, seeking...

Love enough to heal a thousand broken hearts.
Eons of love, lifetimes spilling over, unkempt,
messy lives, cherished-

Keep it to yourself!


Stubborn bitch.




Bitch. Yeah.
Bitch forsaken.

Unslaked, firey bitch.

Merciless, tender, prowling, restless.
Triumphant, slender, fierce, loving bitch with nowhere to go.

Bitch without a Master.

Best watch yourself,
she's gonna take it.

Take it all and make it hers.

Beware boy, or she might take you too,
make you HER bitch.

Just once, just for the hell of it,
the fire of it, the fun of it.

Can you hear PJ wailing her long snakey bitchmoan?

later still(or earlier-that darn sky's getting lighter):


Kali grins, dancing ecstatic on the corpse of her husband.
Bloody severed heads and hands swinging gaily, gruesome bling.

Raising power, midnight blueblack, mighty limbs stamping out a beat,
great breasts swinging, heaving, full.

Owning life, death and birth.

His, to die.
Hers, to live.

Give birth, bring life, or let it die, kill it. Suckle, nurture, create. Sever, rend, destroy.

Kali dances,
same as every woman.

Wow, 6am, pretty pink sky and Dakinis windows are white with condensation.
Maybe I should go for a walk? See if the beavers are gnawing about in the park?

Naw, beds calling. I'd best try to sleep a bit so I can meet with my client in the morning(well, later in the morning) and not be too damn sleepdeprivedgrouchy.

Straight from the Queen's mouth. Sayeth rzan at 06:06 AM | Pipe Up! (0)
'nuff scrawling

It's nearly 1am, time this gal got her(tired)self to bed.

Aah... Bed.

Sleep don't fail me now!

Straight from the Queen's mouth. Sayeth rzan at 12:49 AM | Pipe Up! (1)
more scrawling

I'm burying it.

Well not exactly, but there's no room for it in my life, so I have to put it somewhere!

It's a holy fucking force, impossible to hide.

It pokes out, juts out, like nipples, like bones. It giggles and gushes forth like some kind of goddamn, twitterpated, unasked for salvation.

It ignores common sense, or any kind of sense, resents therapy, resists eviction. It's ugly and unwieldy and completely unworkable and it WON"T GO AWAY.

It won't be unmade.

I've tried, Lord, I've really, really tried.


I'm digging.

Shovelling into the thick dirt, bare hands poking, fingering, tunnelling, creating a channel to pour it in.

Deep, hidden, buried. Underground.

Maybe it will like it there? Sink in. Nice, warm, moist earth.

Maybe it will disperse, dwindle, gradually dissipate...


Mudpuddles, and geysers. It ain't no bloody use tryin' to get rid of the onry thing. Might as well settle in and get comfortable being uncomfortable, torrential, wet and shivery with love, all clenched teeth and missing, muddled, lost pieces...

Guess I may as well get used to it.

Straight from the Queen's mouth. Sayeth rzan at 12:41 AM | Pipe Up! (0)
August 17, 2004

Tiny, naked, alone.


Freight trains roar, pass, blurred giants. Leave me-


People hurry, their lives full, shoving here, clinging there, forever-


Blur coalescing, vibrant for an instant, severed into sharp relief. One breathtaking, nauseating moment, understanding whirls and spins away as fast as it can.


Choking on desire, fear rising, holding on, holding on, holding-

Can't see.


Breathe ragged air, breathe it, just breathe.

Must see!, Must! Don't, don't wanna...



Close eyes.


Let go.




Straight from the Queen's mouth. Sayeth rzan at 11:18 PM | Pipe Up! (0)
Les Schwab rocks!

I took Dakini in today.

They scared me at first with a $96 estimate-for just one tire!-and then we sat around for what seemed like hours waiting and waiting... But it was fully worth it 'cause they fixed the nail hole for FREE!


I didn't know anyone did anything for free nowadays. Apparently that's their customer policy, once you purchase a tire there, they'll repair it free of charge.

What a relief! Now I just have to buy some tools.


Straight from the Queen's mouth. Sayeth rzan at 04:16 PM | Pipe Up! (0)
August 16, 2004
sandvillage 2

By Sam:

This time, we realised that mama could make sandballs out of the sand. We made some very cool fortresses.

One had balls on all corners of it and it was square. Another one had a whole bunch of balls. The bottom ball was like it was half-buried in sand and the top one was very teenytiny. There was seven of them and it was stacked up like a tower.

Some of the buildings were huge. Like the one with balls in all corners. It had a door in it too. One of the buildings had a big rock in it and on top of the rock there was a sand triangle and three small sand balls on top of each other.

Straight from the Queen's mouth. Sayeth rzan at 06:04 PM | Pipe Up! (0)
August 14, 2004
yay, I can grind pepper again!

On the way back from a chiropractic appointment, I spyed a yard sale.

Didn't see what I've been searching for, but thought I'd ask: "You wouldn't by any chance have a peppergrinder?"

The guy smiled a broad smile and ran inside to bring it out. He apologised for it just being a little plastic deal, but I said "hey, as long as it grinds, I don't care how it looks!" Now really, I didn't mean that to sound...Suggestive? But it got another smile, what a flirt! Well, he got my name, but not my number and for two bucks I went home with not only the ability to grind pepper, but a very nice Le Creuset fry pan.


Straight from the Queen's mouth. Sayeth rzan at 01:29 PM | Pipe Up! (0)
August 13, 2004
driving lesson #10(or so)

My first flat tire.

Yup, I knew something was funky as I got out of the driveway, Dakini sounded a bit...flumpy. "That's a wierd noise, Sharon, what's that?". She didn't know, said "Turn onto 110th and go down the hill, let's listen."

The flumping got louder, I shoulda recognised the characteristic thuthudthudding, but I guess I've never been in the drivers seat before when it happened so I didn't catch on right away.

Pulled over on the next street. Got out my sorryass jack(without the metal turnerthingy) and we used a bolt to lever the car up with it.

Damn infernal hubcap refuses to budge-we're trying to use the plier handles to pry it off(I guess it would have been wise to get better equipment after D and I had the same frustrations on our way to Breitenbush-uhuh,20/20 hindsight).

I finally got good and mad and ripped the damn thing off with my bare hands, but then we realised that the bolts were pretty much glued on and no amount of jumping on the handle was going to budge 'em.

Where the heck are all those brawny dudes who are supposed to come leaping out of the woodwork when they see two pretty girls jumping up and down, trying to get the bolts off their fockinggobshite of a flat tire on the side on the road?

In fact, people seemed to be carefully looking the other way. One guy slowed down, but his(presumably)wife tapped his arm fussily and they sped off.

Hell, those goddamn nuts were stuck good and tight. We finally threw in the towel and called AAA. Unfortunately my coverage had lapsed, but they were only too happy to take my credit card # and renew it over the phone.

At least the tow truck guy had to fuss with those wretched nuts a bit too, even with his fancy shiny tools. That made us feel a bit less wussy and damselindistressish.

Damn, now I have to cough up more money I don't have to get a new tire...

Cars and credit cards... The 'conveniences' of modern life!

Poor Dakini yo.

She's a good'un and I'm glad to have her.

Straight from the Queen's mouth. Sayeth rzan at 08:35 PM | Pipe Up! (0)
August 12, 2004
lost balls, little old ladies and ungrateful bugs

You never know what you're going to happen across on long walks.

A few days ago, heading home from Matthews Beach, I noticed an old, old woman, scooting along 110th with her walker, she looked worried. I said hello and as I talked to her, I noticed she was wearing slippers.

She asked me what street she was on and which direction 27th was. It became pretty clear she was lost and had trouble remembering things... She'd keep asking me questions, forgetting I'd already answered them moments before.

Poor lady. Luckily she knew her address so I was able to guide her home. She kept telling me not to trouble myself, to go on and leave her, but I said it wasn't
a trouble, since I was just out for a stroll anyway. When we got to her house, though, she confessed that her family would be mad at her for wandering if they saw a stranger leading her home.

So I said goodbye and then lurked in the bushes a few doors down to make sure she got up the stairs OK.

Then today, coming back from another excursion(this time to look at a place for rent down Sandpoint) I saw a woman kneeling anxiously in the gutter next to a car. She stopped me and told me, rather breathlessly, that she had been chasing her kids ball down the street, a long, long way(35th is a big ol' hilll) and it got lodged under the car and she couldn't reach it.

Long arms come in handy. I worked it out slowly-it really was wedged in there!-and went home well thanked, with a gunky arm and that nice feeling of having done something useful.

Washing my arm, I noticed a little bug crawling up my shirt. I coaxed it onto my hand to take it outside, and the darn thing bit me! So much for dogooder karma!


Stifling the urge to smash it's ungrateful little self, I swished it off my hand onto a rental ad and popped it out the window. after all, it probably assumed, in it's little buggy brain, that it was going to be devoured or pulverized or something unpleasant like that.

It's a hard, short life being a bug.

Straight from the Queen's mouth. Sayeth rzan at 08:04 PM | Pipe Up! (0)
August 10, 2004
we fixed it!

Yay! The big kiln works now.

Sam and I replaced the thermocouple today. He's a pretty good unscrewer.

I fired my vases today and it successfully completed its firing mode.

But I can't open it till tomorrow, so I guess I really ought to keep my fingers crossed and save my elation for then... When I find out if they came out or not!

Straight from the Queen's mouth. Sayeth rzan at 09:56 PM | Pipe Up! (0)
August 09, 2004
'tater harvest

Gonna be a late dinner for mama and Sam tonight.

We just got back from reading Tintin at Third Place Books in Ravenna, harvested some pretty yukon gold potatoes-lots of Oooohs and Aaaahs as we pulled 'em out of the dirt. Now I'm cooking up a batch to serve with basily chicken poached in tomato soup.

Mmmm... I hope.

Kali is being stubborn, she's arguing with me about what color blue she wants to be. That's OK, though Sam has another project for me.

He requested a portrait of himself, holding a vajra in front of my Green Tara sculpture... Apparently it's for a game he wants to play with Rowan entitled 'The Secret of the Vajra".

Should be a cool portrait.

Straight from the Queen's mouth. Sayeth rzan at 08:43 PM | Pipe Up! (3)
generous kidlet

Sam kept telling me I should go to the art store and get more canvases and paint.

Finally I had to explain to him that I haven't got the money to spend right now. I explained rent, food, gas...etc. He seemed to understand pretty well(not the first time we'd talked about it).

He started listing off other things that cost money, like clothes and toys. Yup, pretty much everything costs money!

So he thought about it for a while(Sam does that)and said: "I was thinking, mama, maybe I could buy you some canvases and paint."

What a dear sweetlet.

Straight from the Queen's mouth. Sayeth rzan at 01:17 PM | Pipe Up! (0)

Oatmeal didn't settle so well this morning, so I asked Sam to go for a little walk with me.

At the end of our street there lies a tiny ravine with a little stream running through it. Sam loves the little path that cuts through it, hops over the stream and emerges onto the next street over.

It's mostly nettles and blackberries and we often have to pick out the trash careless people toss down there, but it's also a marvelous bit of wilderness.

Today we noticed how much nice wet sand had collected on the river bed. Sam started piling it over a log and I took a stick and made spirals... Soon we had built quite an ornate little village complete with leaf storage enclosures and big smooth castle-like mounds with pretty pebbles on top.

It felt good to be there with my Samboy, crouching there in the wet sand, looking up occasionally at the sunlight filtering through the jungle of ivy-laden trees and spiderwebs, burying our hands in the fine soft wet silty sand that welled up between our fingers almost as squishy and malleable as clay. Sadness welling up in me too, for the missing Daniel, building cities in the sand together...

Ouch! Sam cut himself on a broken bottle shard as he was washing his hands off in the stream. Yikes, dirty glass! Luckily we weren't too far from home and rushed him back for emergency soap and bandaid attention.

Po' boy. He took it well though.

Straight from the Queen's mouth. Sayeth rzan at 01:05 PM | Pipe Up! (0)
August 06, 2004
Aah, Seattle.

Driving in the rain, for the first time.

I drove Sharon to Magnusson where my clever teacher set up some 'NO DUMPING' sawhorses to parallel park between. She says I'm a stud, despite the invisible curb I kept creeping up on and the few times I tapped the signs...

What a sweet friend.

Then I drove to PCC in the aforementioned downpour, parked, shopped and drove us home.

Whooohooo! My first roundtrip mission.

Look ma, I'm driving!


Straight from the Queen's mouth. Sayeth rzan at 07:20 PM | Pipe Up! (1)
August 04, 2004
frenchtoast morning

with the boy. He finished painting his bowling pins whilst I cooked it.

He had a lotta left over paint:

"mama, what can I paint red now?"

I suggested he decorate the covers of our big sketch pads. They look fab, all red and green and orange.

Then he munched down two slices slathered with Karensbeeshoney(thanks Karen, he says it's the second best honey in the world), butter and blueberries.

I just dropped him off with his pop for the week, now I think I'll go for a longassedylong walk, p'raps down to Matthews beach.

Then I'll come home and paint me some Kali!

Straight from the Queen's mouth. Sayeth rzan at 02:22 PM | Pipe Up! (0)
Behold the Dakini!


To see her in her full wrathful splendor, click on the wee thumbnail below.

Here's a preview of Kali in progress...

Thanks D, for helping me show off my goddesses!


Straight from the Queen's mouth. Sayeth rzan at 02:00 PM | Pipe Up! (3)
August 03, 2004

for mama and Sam.

I finished my Vajrayogini painting, now I'm working on Kali.

Sam thinks she's cool-what with her necklace of severed heads, miniskirt of severed hands, bloody weapons and manic tonguestickingout grin.

He's been doing Kali dances, throwing his hands in the air and sticking his tongue out with a crazy snarl. Have I got a pagan kid or what?

He is working on bowling pins.

Granma BB has been saving her water bottles for him and now he's painting them, then you put sand in and voila! Bowling pins.

Maybe I'll make him a little severed head ball to knock 'em over with.


Straight from the Queen's mouth. Sayeth rzan at 07:10 PM | Pipe Up! (2)
Mountain dweller