September 30, 2005
I thought I was cold...
until I heard from my friend Danni...
I don't ever want to live in 20 degree weather again.
Not even for the smoked salmon.
September 29, 2005
loverzan is three!
I just noticed... As of yesterday, I've been blogging for three years!
So much has happened in the last three years, my head is spinnin'. I was still in massage school back then, madly in love, a non-drivin' mama of a four year old, on welfare... with custody battle trauma and a lot more naivete than I have now.
Here I am, a working LMP with a seven year old son, single again, self-supported, driving my own car... Still a bit heartsore and weary, but taking this precious life as it comes.
Three years. It seems a long time. Loverzan has been a good outlet for me. A lot of poetry, pictures, paintings, midnight scrawlings, moontime rampages and gardentalk have graced, or scandalised, her pages...
Three years. I suppose it's an auspicious time to announce the end.
Or more properly the transformation.
It's time for me to leap out of the nest built and tended for me so long and so well by my friend and ex-fiance, Daniel. Time to find my own blogwings.
So, soon Loverzan will be fading majestically into history, as magical queendoms are wont to do...
Don't cry though. Although my new site won't be quite as pretty-I don't have the geekpowers in my magical fingertips-it'll still be me.
Bigger, better and badder than ever.
cleanliness is next to godliness
I think Dakini would agree, except perhaps for the distinctly ungodly look on Sam's face as he blasts her.
And yes, I do anthropomorphise my car, or deitimorphise, I s'pose.
see the tail? In one letter, out the other...
September 28, 2005
any mamas or papas out there?
With some advice for me about discipline?(not you Grau-I don't want to shoot him! Just kiddin').
Sam is going through a pushy phase right now. The little man in him is risin' hard.
It's kind of wierd, he'll be so sweet, loving and even mannerly to me for a while, just long enough to have me patting myself on the back for my hard-earned parenting techniques, and then, suddenly he's ordering me around like little Mr Bossman!
I don't stand for it(there's a good reason I don't have a boss), but the battle of wills feels pretty ugly. I don't relish having to press the MAMA! button, but sometimes, if explaining a thing clearly doesn't work, there's no other option.
It doesn't help that he pretty much rules the roost at his dad's house and bosses him around to boot.
Gah! What's a single mama to do?
Why do I have to be the bad guy?
Oh yeah, I guess it's part of the crappity job description, huh?
At least the benefits are good.
But what the heck am I gonna do when he's a teenager?
September 27, 2005
bodhisattva with a baseball bat
'Red meat,' Jetsunma said, setting her menu down and tapping on it with a perfectly enameled fingernail. 'I just can't get enough.'
Tulku Jetsunma Akhon Lhamo serves up the truth to her students with the power of a tiger, the hair and makeup of a movie star and, occasionally, when they whimper too much about the inconvenience of keeping their vows-a baseball bat.
It's rockin' my world. In a good way.
your words immortalised in pee
September 25, 2005
the naked ape
'There are one hundred and ninety-three living species of monkeys and apes. One hundred and ninety-two of them are covered with hair. The exception is a naked ape self-named Homo sapiens. This unusual and highly successful species spends a great deal of time examining his higher motives and an equal amount of time studiously ignoring his fundamental ones. He is proud that he has the biggest brain of all the primates, but attempts to conceal the fact that he also has the biggest penis, preferring to accord this honor falsely to the mighty gorilla. He is an intensely vocal, acutely exploratory, over-crowded ape, and it is high time we examined his basic behaviour.'
Desmond Morris, THE NAKED APE
Sam and I went to the Friends of the Library book sale today... It was pretty picked over, but at half price-well, it's hard to resist 25 cents a book!
We got a Star Trek, Star Wars, Roget's Thesaurus, A Brief History of Time, Eyewitness Elephant, The Naked Ape, Heathcliff and various other goodies.
I threw down another quarter on White Nights, the first movie I ever saw in a theater! Fresh from my backwoods commune jailbreak, it made a big impression on me. Gregory Hines and Barishnikov, spies, dancing... I don't even remember that much of the plot, but the sparkly excitement of it all still tickles my braincells with the memory of bright, defiant new beginnings. I can't wait to watch it again!
Yesterday I took Sam to the new Top Pot Doughnuts. We've been watching the construction(it's only a few blocks away) for months, laughing as they put in palm trees, the gigantic doughnut on the roof, and the silly top pot signs with the two bakers(?) that look like siamese twins, smiling bravely in spite of sharing a swollen, oddly doughnut-shaped black eye...
It just opened, everything is so shiney and pretty even the ashtrays glisten in the sun. He was so excited, but the multitude of sugar-sprinkled choices simply stunned him. In the end, I chose a raspberry cake and a chocolate sandcastle and we sat out under the ridiculously tall palm trees to savor our booty.
It was glorious, well worth the sugar headache that spiked insistantly in my confused and startled forebrain(I doubt if it even knew what hit it-sugar disappeared from my diet such a long time ago) on the walk home. Somehow, it felt really good to be walking down the street with my son zooming up stone walls and richochetting off of several telephone poles in an ecstatic display of doughnut-enhanced ninja powers.
I wonder if he'll remember it when he grows up? I wonder what his significant 'firsts' will be?
September 23, 2005
even murphy's law has loopholes
I was feeling bleak as a winter puddle today, but I forced myself to walk to work 'cause I've been such a slug lately... When I got here I opened my backpack to put my lunch(left-over burdock root soup) in the fridge and ack! the lid had slipped off the tupperware!
Cussing-I was sure my book and everything else had been soaked-I gingerly lifted out the plastic grocery bag I'd wrapped it in, and goggled at the swollen bag-hastily turning my curses into blessings on whatever merciful deity is in charge of thwarting murphy's law-it had all stayed in the bag!
Phew. I even managed to pour it back in and now I'm havin' dinner... Ah. THe joy of burdock root.
I've been having such a craving for roots with this coldass weather creeping in. Leeks and 'taters, parsnips, carrots, sweet potatoes... Mmmmmm...
Soup-almost makes me look forward to this brrrrchill in the weather.
September 20, 2005
yard, boy, string, kitten.
Sam has a new friend. He's small, black and fuzzy and likes to eat his own tail in paroxysms of delighted savagery.
It's a pefect match-they both tend to explode dramatically at the drop of a hat.
They chase each other into the apple tree, all giggles and mrrrrs... Sam says the kitten is sarcastic.
I thought he might be using the word wrong, so I explained the meaning and asked him if he thought the kitten was making fun of us in some sly way...
He said: 'Maybe... dramatic?', but then the bitty thing flipped, rolled and chased him across the yard again and he shrieked: 'he's SO sarcastic!'
Personally, I think he's right on the mark. Cats invented sarcasm.
September 19, 2005
It was quite a battle, but I'm finally back online at home!!!
Hurray! Thanks John, for the frustratingly fruitless late night and Michael for sweeping in, kids in tow, and workin' the swift, geeky wireless magic('course having the right key helped a lot).
I like my new underground office, I feel all batcave or something... 'cept this batcave is a rec room, complete with fireplace, futon and exercise bike... Not exactly dark and mysterious, but cozy is good too.
September 14, 2005
sharks, plane crashes and missing shoes
I find that when I move, or at times of great transition, I often have recurring dreams, dreams that have been with me in one form or other most of my life.
Lately they've revisited me. I dream of planes crashing. I'll be sitting there, looking out the window and I'll shout: 'Sam! Come look, there's a super low flying plane.' and then I'll jump and fling him protectively under me as I watch the thing veer erratically and crash down into our suburb, mowing down homes along the way. This latest one came skidding right up to the window, stopping with it's nose an inch from crashing through the pane into us.
The other familiar dream resurfacing from the savage wilderness of my subconscious is a repetitive muddle of trying to move out of my childhood trailer(in the commune, we lived in mobile homes in the Maine backwoods) and not being able to find my shoes. I look everywhere, panicking(I can't leave without my shoes!) and find all kinds of shoes, but not my own.
I often have dreams about clothing, fraught with meaning about my life path, my choices, or inability to choose... Sometimes I will be trying to remove my shirt, pulling the ridiculously tight thing off over my head, only to find another layer beneath, over and over...
Indentities I suppose. Trying to rid myself of layers, of armour, of unnecessary baggage.
I guess it makes sense, since I've just moved, I'm remaking myself. A lighter, firmer image, birthing a new self for the new place. A new life, a new day.
Last night I had a completely new dream. I rescued a girl from a gigantic shark. She was a rather stupid girl. She just huddled there, wide-eyed, clinging to a post in the water as the monstrous, many-toothed beast swallowed her whole, like a bonbon.
But I whalloped it anyway. Killed it, cut it into shark steaks-explaining to the rest of the castaways, as I hacked and chopped, that shark was tough, but very nutricious-and ate it.
Oddly enough, it was delicious, or at least I thought so(but then, much to the amusement of my new roomate, I ate a fried liver, garlic and lettuce pita sandwich for lunch today, so my taste often treads the wierder side of good).
The meat was dark red, translucent, like fresh tuna sushi, but so much yummier. I kept eating it, spearing steak after juicy steak on my knife, savouring the rich, raw delight of it, throughout the rest of the dream.
Carnivorous as hell, but on the whole I like the shark dream much better than the crashing planes or missing footware.
Gawd I need some sushi.
Where's my sushigirl Danni when I need her? Goddamn Alaska. I bet she's sick of fish now. Not that she ever ate it here, silly vegan... It was kinda funny going out for sushi with someone who didn't eat the fish.
Maybe I'll freeze a spinach ball and send it to her.
hey presto! I turned my cardboard into a rumball!
Sheer magic, I tell ya.
I loaded up my car with a bazillion(yes, I counted and there was exactly one bazillion) squashed boxes, drove it to work and handed my keys to the Amazing Serene, who, with a flick of her pretty wrist, made them all disappear, and tadah!-A Flying Apron rumball!
Mmmm... I love magic.
Just desserts and all that.
Serene just happens to be moving next month, sometimes life is all convenient like that.
Not very often though. Life is often inconvenient. In fact I'm just in the middle of a chapter entitled 'Inconvenience' in Pema Chodron's book 'The Wisdom of no Escape'.
She says: '-basically, if you follow your heart, you're going to find that it's often extremely inconvenient.'
Well, that's a relief!
But enuff about the big questions of life, what I want to know right now is, where the heck are all the clients this week? Doesn't anyone need a massage?
Such a nice busy august we had, and now nuffin'.
Oh well, at least there's a 'puter with an internet connexion here, even if it's inconveniently slow as molasses and has a gimpy mouse... Not that I'm complaining.
I just rescued our receptionist... Poor lass was on break, laying down for a few minutes and got a hellaciously inconvenient afterchiropractic headache. She asked me to lay my hands on her neck for five minutes.
It was beautiful. She melted slowly in increments and went back to work able to talk nice to the clients.
Since they're my clients too, I think it only right.
I love massage.
Will someone please come get one?
September 07, 2005
a home isn't really a home 'til you dig in the dirt
Well, most of my stuff is still in boxes, but Sam came home from his week with his dad yesterday and to celebrate his first day in our new home we dug up some space in the herb garden out back for to transplant some of the lovelies from the old house.
I took him back over to the old place. We did a little ceremony, walked the empty rooms where we lived for the last year, thanked the house, burned the prayer flags-I always forget what a smokey, plasticky mess that makes!-and said goodbye.
Tomorrow we'll go get the little plants that he helped me plant. He's even more sentimental about the babies then I am, he got all sad when I said we couldn't take all of them. I hate to leave them behind too, the neighbor has already asked me to take down the garden so that he won't have to be bothered with the upkeep, so I know they won't get cared for.
I guess my priorities are showing... First I built our beds, then my altar(except for the three goddesses who seem to be hiding somewhere), then I hit the dirt-gardening runs deep to my soul. Oh and the 'puter, that's all set up-just need to get a wireless card to be back on the internets...
We put up the hammock and spent the afternoon swinging lazily(or as lazily as one can get with an explosion prone sidekick) under the apple tree.
Now I can get to the less important things, like, uh, food, and shampoo and where the hell did I pack the hammer?
September 04, 2005
red potatoes and salt
lunch today, the first food I've eaten and man did it go down fast!
Everything is going fast right now, My life's a runaway train that I'm supposed to load boxes on, or clean the crap out of so my roomate can get her deposit back-but it's moving like, 90 miles an hour and before I can even pull out my dust mop, I'm reeling in the spindrift clutter of it's wake.
But I'm at work right now, inbetween massages and so I can actually sit still for an hour and... Blog!
What a week.
I painted two rooms(a saga of amateur mistakes in itself), sorted, packed and moved a zillion boxes of junk, gave 14 hours of massage, sold some furniture on good ol' craigslist, scrubbed and swept and cleaned much filthiness and nearly went berserk several times.
I still have to go back for a few outdoor items and finish the gnarly basement cleaning project...
Gah. I will be sooooo glad when it's all over and I can just relax into unpacking, so to speak.
I rushed in to my subshift at work this morning, running a hair late and trying to drop the blazing stressball aura so I could give some good massage...
I walked into the lounge and saw a co worker slumped on the ratty overstuffed chair that is my favorite reading perch. He told me about his father dying of leukemia, he's the executor of the living will, his wifes father is in the hospital too, their kids don't really grasp what's up...
I felt pretty ashamed of my own meager complaint department. Life is so much harder for so many people. Especially with all the hurricane horror stories flying around.
All my shit is in boxes piled in the garage of my new home. So many people have lost everything they owned, including their homes.
Time to stop whining and be happy for what I have. For the family, friends and love in my life.